Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?