Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
You Might Also Like
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I did not eat the cake…
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL