me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Skills
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
adam and eve had first world problems
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Lmfaoooooo
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!