me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
This guy gets it.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.