Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Milk Cube
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette