Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.