Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.