Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Stop blaming your parents.
Blame your spouse.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/