me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…