Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman