Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.