Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Planet of the Apps.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

My body is a “wonder what happened” land