Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
You Might Also Like
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My neck, my back, my…
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.