Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!