Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Good point.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.