me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.