me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
peeping toms
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Risking my life for fun.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
(before sex)
*sings national anthem