ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
i love modern commerce
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…