Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom