ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Spell check is for lasers.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Friends that check up on you >
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.