Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.