ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.