@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

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@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@writerPT

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

@paulhorne

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@ArfMeasures

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.