ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

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professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM


Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.


I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.


3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*



[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly


Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window


“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?


SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8


*2 days before payday*
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!


I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.