Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”