@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

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@chillsalmon

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

@RandiLawson

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@a_simpl_man

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

@JamesonN7

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.