Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.