me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
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pat pat
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby