Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.