Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
get you a girl who
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Xylophonist Shredding It
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion