ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it