Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.