ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
No laws when master is gone
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet