Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.