Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.


71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.


When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth


Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto


GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things


Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.


Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?


I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.


Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.