Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”