Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up