Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
That’s not how days work.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Hmmmmm
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.