Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
This will teach them to underestimate me
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.