Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.