Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Erm I’m gonna say no
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”