me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*