Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?