@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

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@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@david8hughes

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@torrami

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

@lawbsterfest

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@smithsara79

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs