ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship


ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion


[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.


Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?


My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf


Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.


If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.


A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.


You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs