Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.