*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The Others (2001)
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”