Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
How funny!
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle