Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Fluff me with a fork baby
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.