ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants