Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.