@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

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@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@Kendragarden

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

@No_1BullshitGuy

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@o__0Dev

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

@ericamorecambe

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@Parkerlawyer

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.