me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Don’t make me out nice you.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.