Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
peeping toms
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
we’re dead?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.