Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
This meeting could have been a cake
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.