Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*