Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
You Might Also Like
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after